Goo!

Ever had an enema? If so, stop reading. I don't want to bring back any memories. Now I know, it's not really an appropriate topic - but you have to admit it's a funny one. And highly underrated for aforementioned comic value.

The other day I was sitting in the "satellite" student union (where the good food and the smoothie place are - oh, yes, and Starbucks). My friend Andy had already polished off at least 20-30 ounces of coffee already that morning in class, but he was ready to refuel. Given the level of noise produced by the rowdy undergrads, I could barely make out what he had just said and in fact, I was pretty sure I had misheard. "I think I need a caffeine enema." Andy went on to explain that his thrice-daily (yes folks, that's one more than twice) trips to Starbucks just weren't cutting it, and he needed to explore some new options. One of my other friends commented that she heard enemas were "all the rage" in some circles because they are so good for your system. I am going to pretend I didn't hear that, and avoid those circles. But I digress.

Some of you reading may already know where this post is headed. Let me take you back in time.... to a time when anything was funny - college. Now I'm not implying that I've grown up AT ALL since then, I'm just saying that it was socially acceptable to be ridiculously silly back then.

Meijer (for the uneducated reader) is an all-purpose store, like a Super Target, except that it's the best east-central Ohio can do. It is open 24 hours, which was perfect for night owls like us. Whenever we would get sick of studying, we could count on one of our friends to suddenly realize they were in desperate need of something, at which point we all had to accompany her for moral support, mullet-spotting, and the eerie smell of doughnuts in the parking lot. Occasionally, one of the girls had work she actually had to do and had to stay behind. On the night-of-the-enema, this person was Leslie. I'm not sure if it was statistics homework or that paper on cloacas, but she could not spare three hours, even to stock up on gummy candy and smell lotion. We reluctantly left, promising to bring her back something good.

We decided the best place to look for a gift for Leslie was in the "unmentionables" aisle - you know, the one with ointments for places you didn't know you had. And there it was - the Meijer-brand enema, at an everyday low price of $1.89. It was more perfect for Leslie than the Red Ryder BB gun was for Ralphie! Who could resist? Needless to say, Leslie was thrilled with the gift. It remained a focal point of our common room decor for about 7 months and became the talk of every party we threw. A couple guys even acted out the diagrams on the box. Does anyone remember the instructions? I don't know if they were actually funny or if they just seemed that way when the boys were kneeling on the floor in receiving position.

I would like to warn you, adventurous readers, that enemas are not to be used for the administration of drugs. I recently read the story of an older gentleman who loved to tip back that Jack Daniel's but, for health reasons, could not imbibe in the traditional fashion. His loving wife agreed to do whatever it took to make her honey happy - including funneling the stuff into his derriere. You don't have to know a lot about differential tissue absorption and distribution to know that this is not a good idea. The poor man died (may he rest in peace). There were no charges pressed against his wife. But again, I digress.

If you ask Leslie, I am sure she will tell you that the enema from Meijer was a gift whose memory she will treasure forever. I know Christmas has passed, but if you need a Valentine's Day gift for your someone special, the unmentionables aisle at Meijer is waiting for you. Just be thankful Meijer is not allowed to sell Jack Daniel's.